


The 10 stages of surviving.

by casualstylinson



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bottom Harry, Car Accidents, Depressed Louis, Do Not Worry, Gay Sex, Harry trying to help, Lots of Crying, Louis fighting with himself, M/M, Nobody Dies, Sad, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, This Is NOT An AU, Top Louis, louis is an angel, please, so is Harry, this has a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 09:57:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5371025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casualstylinson/pseuds/casualstylinson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I know this is dumb, but we’ve been doing it for so long. We are worth it, okay? I knew we were from the minute I fell in love with you when we sat together on the staircase and the times I had to hold back everything in me to not touch you, and every fucking time we had to lock up our love for a while. At the end, I still know I get to come home to see that lovely face  of yours. It’s all worth it,” I feel like I just ripped my heart out of my chest and handed it to him, still all bloody and gross. Our Love is like that. Our entire heart devoted for each other, but nothing is clean or healed. We are just a bandaged bloody heart that still needs to be operated on, yet is still pumps strongly. Keeping us living on and on and on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The 10 stages of surviving.

**Author's Note:**

> hello so this is the first fan-fiction I have ever posted on here. This is an triggering topic, so I will say this. If any of this is some what triggering please do not read it or read this with caution. It is in Harry perspective and he is sort of oblivious to the entire situation. The end may let something out, so please do not read it. I don't want you to be anything else but content :) Enjoy. (There may be spelling/grammar errors but I will deal with them soon so please do not comment on them)

STAGE 1: THINKING EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.  
you foolish child. 

My boyfriend is a strong man.  
Strength just runs through his veins in substitution for blood. 

Sometimes, on a rare occasion.  
All seems to fail.  
This strength losses, and weakness takes over. 

Weakness takes over like a tidal wave of anxiety, depression and panic, floods over him.  
Louis is happy in his heart.  
He is happy with me.  
He tells me that all the time. 

His brain is a wreck.  
Rumors being spread and constantly being in the shadows, pulled Louis into a cave.  
Nothing's easy anymore.  
He is told to be a straight, womanizer and he his smiley, happy fake self. 

How are you supposed to smile on stage when you want to throw yourself off of a bridge?  
How are you supposed to be in a good relationship if you can't take your love outside, because being gay is wrong. 

Louis has made it so far.  
That is what makes him the strongest. 

~

I heard giggles come from the kitchen I think. Giggles full of pure joy. I roll onto my side to see the spot next to me empty. Louis’ spot in the bed was replaced with a bunch of crumpled up, messy bed sheets. 

I smile. Those giggles were coming from Louis, my Louis. The Louis who starts bawling in my arms after every show. 

I struggle a lot, but I slowly make my way out of the master bedroom. As soon a I leave the room, the scent of different breakfast dishes float up into my system. The trip to the kitchen was quiet and sneaky. I wasn’t sure if Louis was aware of my presence. 

Louis comes into view when I take a few steps from the bottom of the stairs. Louis is standing at the stove, flipping what looks to be bacon and pancakes. Louis has plaid pajama pants on, tightly hanging off his hips. His bare chest never fails to send butterflies dancing in my stomach, no matter how many times I have seen it. 

I walked softly over to Louis, directly behind him. I was standing two inches away from him, and started to stroke his naked back. 

Louis jumped, not enough to make his meal fly everywhere but enough that I could acknowledge that he was startled.

“Jesus, Harry,” He says with his neck twisted to face me. He was smiling at me, brightly. “You can’t just do that.”

“I’m sorry, Lou,” I said, then wrapped my arms around Louis’ waist. Louis returned to his work. I kissed over Louis’ shoulders, leaving small pecks all over the surface of Louis’ shoulders. As I continued to do this, I could feel the smile form on his face from the movement of his cheeks. 

“Harry, I am trying to make us a lovely breakfast. Do not distract me,” Louis tried to explain to me, but I continued to do as I was. 

“Nope, I love making you smile, In any way,” I am rather cheesy when it comes to relationships. It might be gross or has people in the mood to vomit. Making him happy is usually my number one priority. 

“Eat, curly,” Louis demanded gesturing to the plate Louis has beautifully created for me. 

On the plate was a stack of pancakes, some shaped like hearts and some were the first, bad attempts of it. 

“This is incredible, Louis. Thank you,” I tell my boyfriend. 

Louis scratches at his fluffy, bed head and digs into his dish. “Always,” Louis responds. 

I have a question that is on my tongue, begging to jump out of my mouth. Louis sits next to me, giving me small smiles here and there. “Are you feeling good?” Oh fuck, the question couldn't be held back any longer. I brace myself for the answer. 

“Shit,” Is all Louis says before putting his head in hands. Regret fills my body. Before I could help Louis, he butted in. “I’m a lot better, Harry.”

“Thank god, Louis,” I said before turning my head, to face him.

Louis smiles and nods, then proceeds to rest his hand on my right cheek, and peck my chapped and dry lips. “Do we need to do anything today?” Louis asked. 

With One Direction being on hiatus, we had more time than we needed to ourselves. We have stayed at our house in London since the start, but being on the constant move for the past years has made this seem relaxing and incredibly boring all at the same time. 

“I don't know, we might have to talk to someone about everything,” I respond to Louis’ question. 

Okay, here is a catch about this great time. Louis and I aren't allowed to be seen in public. Nobody is allowed to know that the two of us are in love. Walking around with Louis isn't very friendly either, so nobody thinks that it is just two mates going on a walk. 

“I miss being able to go out with you,” Louis confesses. Louis looks down to his lap, with a rather sad expression on his face. “I want to be able to hold your hand and kiss you somewhere besides hotel rooms, houses and other private places.”

“Louis, at some point that will happen,” I say and rub my small boyfriend’s back. “Everything will be okay.”

“Should we do something? Rebel, get new management, work with different, more accepting people?” Louis asks me. Louis rips up his pancakes in contrast to my neatly folded stack. 

“Maybe. We are on a break at the moment so, I don't know if that means it is a good or bad time to be honest,” I tell Louis. 

Louis and I have always been on this discussion. What if we could just tell everyone? Despite the cruelty we would be put through. Our love feels as if it is being locked in a basement, and we think our love is two beautiful for that. 

“We will do something about it,” Louis starts. He turns to me and licked the syrup off his lips. “We have to. I might go insane,” Louis states. 

I go deep into thought. Ever since Louis and I started to sit next to each other in interviews we could feel the public become more aware that we are Louis and Harry, not Louis or Harry. 

Louis would make eyes to me on stage that I would see replays all over twitter after the show. These simple glaces had all of our fans, hoping and praying we would break out of the shadows soon. Sadly, Louis and I’s relationship lived in the shadows, and we weren't aloud to leave our home. 

“I think I am happy, Harry. We might have a chance in the world,” Louis told me on and off throughout the day. 

I had my confidence in Louis. The marks on his body that are usually professionally covered up by makeup are beginning to heel. Instead of seeing freshly ripped skin covering his arms, I see healing, clean scabs and scars. Louis will be fine. The two of us think so. 

“I love you,” Louis yelled from the bedroom upstairs. It was nearly eleven at night. Louis and I had yet another day in. Louis would go outside for a cigarette and come in screaming about his love for me. 

“I love you,too, Louis!” I called up from downstairs. Louis acts like he would in 2011, when I first fell in love with the funny boy from the toilet. That Louis comes out to play on the occasion. He starts to get happier, than an hour later you might catch him running naked around the house. As if he was a high, hormonal teenager. 

Everything will be okay, Lou. I believe in you, my love.

STAGE 2: BELIEVING EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY  
Happiness doesn’t last, remember?

The pain I feel, is like some bullet.  
Straight to the head. 

I like that pain. 

Pain is something that calls out for me every time I weaken. 

“Hurt yourself, Louis” “The pain is good. You want this,”  
I continue to listen to this foolish voice inside my head. 

“Nobody cares about your privacy, Louis”  
“You don't deserve it anyways. Why would anyone want to make you happy,”

Every word, is another mark that I draw on my body, creating terrible fucking art. I shouldn't of let myself be the canvas, I shouldn't of. 

But I listened to the person in my head.  
I listened and I believed. 

-Yours sincerely, Louis. 

~

I woke up the next morning to go out with some family in downtown London. Being locked in here, hasn't been the best on my social skills. I write Louis a note, and text him in case he doesn't get the note. 

I put on a long, grey coat of mine with black everything underneath. My hair is rolled into a bun at the top of my head, which is how Louis likes it. My brown, worn out boots are on my feet, like any other day. 

Walking out the door without Louis used to be a scary thought that I always tried to avoid due to the recent behaviour. 

I leave the garage in my dark range rover with my sunglasses on. Sunglasses won't hide you from the paparazzis and fans that haunt the streets of downtown London. I make it there at good time. I don't notice my family at first, just my mother’s vehicle in the parking lot. I don't see any cameras or any people who look like the kind to stop me. 

“Harry, angel!” My mother says, as soon as I come into the small dine-in restaurant. My mother and sister walk over to where I was standing and hug me tightly. The three of us don’t live a far distance away, I rarely leave my house, or that is how it has been in the past. 

“Hi mom, and Gemma!” I tell my family as the two of us sit down to take our orders. We chatted about basic family things. My aunt’s new asshole husband, my cousin’s new baby, or the way I look on stage. Eventually, my family made it through the maze to the topic that I never wanted to get to. 

“How’s the boy of yours?” Gemma was the one to ask the dreaded question. I stop and ponder about whether I should lie, stretch the truth or tell the truth. 

“Louis? Louis is fine at the moment, thanks,” I tell my family. I wasn’t completely lying, at the moment Louis was okay. He has been better but he has also been so much worst. 

My mother smiles at me. “You two are behaving, correct?” The mother in my mom has to ask that. Sadly, I am not going to talk to my mom about the nights that Louis is angry and upset to the point of tear, then banged me over the couch. Perhaps, I should explain in great detail about the night Louis woke up, so depressed and mad at himself that the gun was already to his head, then I comforted him, wiping away the bad thoughts just for a little bit so he could feel something besides pain. By that I mean I got him off at four in the morning. 

“Of course, Mother. You know Louis and I better then that,” I remind my mom. 

Gemma besides to be the gross big sister, and kick my foot under the table, then finishing it off with a wink. Oh shove it, you asshat. 

These were the highlights of my lights. Lying about Louis and our rather interesting sex life. As sad as it may seem, the entire fucking time I was talking with my family, my mind was on Louis. Louis could have put a bullet through his head or left to some club to go get high and bring some chick that thinks that she is going to get his dick. Too bad he is gay. Louis might be watching some sitcom or maybe a film like the titanic. He has yet to respond to my message, so he could still be in bed, curled up with his hair all fluffy and messy with a few curls and flicks. I love that Louis. I love every Louis, but man do I ever have a weak spot in my heart for a tired, quiet boy of mine that hold me each night. 

“Is everything okay? You seem distant, love,” my mom drags me out of my daydreams.

“No, no. I’m great. Just thinking,” I try to explain to my mom but she doesn’t seem very convinced. “Listen, everything is okay. I promise you, this is a day for us,” I feel my phone vibrate in my coat. “Excuse me, It’s Louis,” I walk away from the table, picking up the phone. “Louis, love.” 

“Hi, Harry, um when will you be home?” Louis asks with a frantic voice. 

“five ish. I will be out all day with Mom and Gem. Do you need me there? Drop a hat and I will be on my way. Louis, tell me you’re okay,” I start spitted out over the phone. I rest my arm up on the wall, giving off the impression that I am stressed and exhausted, 

“I’m okay, Harry. I just wanted to find out when you will be here. I will see you soon, Haz. Have fun. I love you,” Louis tells me from the other end of the phone. 

“I love you too. Stay safe,” I say and then the line goes dead. 

I make my way back to the table, where our meals were now set up. My sister and mother look up to me. They both look curious and confused at the sudden phone call. 

“Is everything okay?” Gemma asks me. Gemma and I are very close, so she knows how much Louis means to and, and how bad it has gotten in the past. 

“Yeah, Louis was just wondering when I was going to be home,” I explain to my sister.

The rest of the day, the three of us walked through downtown London, stopping to look at attractions and monuments we have seen thousands of times before. My sister and I would try to make conversation and her job and my job and the everyday sibling topics. Sadly, I wasn’t exactly present. Sure, my body was there, but my heart and mind were still back at home with Louis. I feel like an asshole of a son who chose his boyfriend over his own family. I didn’t really know how to put anything, of course I love my family. I also love Louis. Louis is the only one out of the group that might jump off a bridge if I turn my head. 

My reasoning is valid. 

We were in a store, a cute boutique like store. I stopped for a couple cute pictures with fans and mother’s of fans, I was taking a photo with a teenager with heavy makeup and long, dark hair when my phone vibrated in my pocket. As soon as I broke free of the photo spree I was checking the device. I assumed it was Louis, texting if he wanted me home or not. 

1:09  
Louis  
Hazxa conw hpme

Hazza come home. 

Louis was drunk. I knew his drunk texts like the back of my hand. 

“Mom! I have to go, Louis is in trouble,” I don’t say a good farewell. I will text the two of them later, apologizing. As of now, Louis is the only one on my mind. Why was Louis drinking at one in the afternoon? His day drinking phase ended a while ago, none of this is good. Shit. 

My car was a good five minute walk, but I made it there is half that time. I drive home was rather uncomfortable. The music that came on the radio was deep and depressing. Yes, perfect. What a great time for sad music! I have a feeling a broke the speed limit and some other road rules on my way home. 

The house the Louis and I live in comes into view over the horizon. Step on it, Harry. Your boyfriend could be knocked out on the floor by now. Guess what I do, I step on it. The main gates are open. I don’t even park the large car where I am supposed to. I basically throw it to a random spot like a child would do with their shoes. 

“Louis!” I yell as soon as the door is open. I begin to run through the house, searching for my boyfriend. I reach the large, white kitchen we have. Bottles of beer, whisky, vodka and more cover the counter. I don’t think we had any alcohol left in the house. 

I rush upstairs to our master suite. Thoughts fill my brain. Tears are forming in my eyes. Tears are always forming in my eyes. I want Louis to be happy. I want Louis to be happy. I want Louis to be happy. Fuck, this boy has grabbed me by my neck and he told me to leave him. He can’t leave me. I can’t leave him either. Fuck. Louis, the love of my life, you are strong. I believe in you. I fucking believe in you. 

Louis was on the bedroom floor. Crying, surrounded by empty bottles and what looks to be vomit. 

“I’m sorry, Harry,” He said. 

My voice cracked. “You’ll be okay, I promise.” 

STAGE 3: REALIZING YOU AREN’T OKAY. 

Louis, I know it is hard.  
I know it's hard.  
Man do I ever. 

Nothing crushes my heart like the things you do.  
The crack in your voice before you cry.  
The tears that slip through your eyes.  
All the fucking tears that never seem to leave.

I'm sorry I couldn't help.  
I'm sorry I couldn't catch you when you fell.  
I'm sorry that you got sucked into this.  
I'm so sorry, about everything. 

You're the kind of person who deserves everything.  
You are so down to earth, and chill.  
It's hard to be that way when cameras never leave your side.  
I'm thankful to have you, to keep me grounded. 

I'm sorry I couldn't do the same to you. 

-Love, Harry. 

Louis was crying into my shirt, as he laid on my lap. His arms were hugging tightly around my waist. I could almost feel each one of his individual tears on my skin, and they hurt like a bullet. 

“You’ll be okay, Louis. I promise,” I comfort Louis, with the same words I always use. 

“Why do you always say that?” Louis says in between breaths. He look up at me. “You always say I will be okay. It's been years, Harry!” I couldn't tell if he was still spiked up or if he was sobering up. “Why am I not okay yet, Harry?”

This question stabs me in multiple fatal spots. I look down at my Louis. I don't know how to respond. I kiss his forehead. 

“Come on, let's get you something to eat and drink okay?” I tell Louis. 

These words made Louis cry harder. His little hiccups before a sobbing fit crushed me. Louis huddled into my body, closer. Trying to be closer to me. 

“If that is what you would like,” I say before picking up Louis, bridal styles. I walk down the stairs, keeping Louis close to me but at the same time I tried to tune out his cries before I completely lost it. 

“Come on, Louis. Look at me,” I tell my boyfriend. I sit Louis on the island, but his eyes still wandered away from me. I walk to the fridge and and take a plastic water bottle from the fridge and go back to Louis. “Drink this, please Louis,” Louis didn't please. I beg for him to drink. He only caves when the tears start to trickle down my face. 

“Harry, stop. Don't cry because of me,” Louis spits out, while wiping the leftover water off of his lips. 

“Louis, can I ask you something?” I ask Louis. Louis continues to sip his water and nod. 

“Have you been taking your medicine?” Louis looks straight up to me. There isn't many other ways you can take his facial expressions then guiltiness. Guilt paints over his face as if it was a tattoo, freshly inked. 

“I thought I was better,” Was all Louis said before tears began to race down his face again. 

“Louis,” I choked out before hugging him in a tight squeeze that may have squashed him. Louis and I stayed in this position for a long ass time. Louis would mumble apologies into my shoulder. My hands run up and down his back, calming him down.

“I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up Harry!” Louis chanted into my shoulder. 

“No, no, no, Louis. You did what you thought was right. You know now, for the future, it will all be okay,” I reassure Louis. 

Louis takes his head from my shoulder. His sky blue, tear stained eyes stare at me with these type of googly eyes that very fails to send me over the edge. 

“Will it be okay?” He asks me in a post-crying voice. He blinks a few tears out of his eyes, rubbing them away. 

“I promise you,” I start. “I fucking promise you.”

Louis smiles at my remark. The smile might of signified that he believed me for once, but the smile could've also been as fake as Louis saying he was in fact straight. 

He tweeted that as I was sucking his dick. Yes, Louis is in fact straight. A hundred percent. 

Anyways. I smile back at my small boyfriend. I ruffle around with his sleepy, messy hair. 

“I'm sorry, Harry,” Louis apologizes, obviously sobering up. 

“Lou, don't apologize for thinking you were all good. Just keep taking the medication, love,” I said. I roll onto my tippy toes, making myself a bit taller. At my new height, I peck Louis on the nose, he blushes at the small gesture. 

“I’ve definitely learned my lesson,” Louis admits, pouting a little bit. He looks down at me, staring at me with his bright blue eyes. We sit together, in silence. Louis looks deep in thought. “Hey, Haz? Do you think if I get better and more settled, we can try to break out of the closet when we break the hiatus?” Louis questions. 

“I think we will have to look into it a little deeper. Once you are okay, and we get the okay from management, then we will see,” I explain to Louis, who only nods. “What do you want for lunch, Lou?”

Louis and I spend the next hours in the kitchen, dancing, singing and making out with each other. 

“Louis, you idiot.You are going to burn the sandwich,” I yell at Louis, playfully. Louis didn’t care one bit, he continued to back me up against the counter with his two hands on my hips.

“I couldn’t care less,” He says exactly what I assume he would. Louis pecked my cheek, nose, and forehead. I put my large hands on Louis’ shoulder and rubbed his shoulder. Louis then began kissing my jawline and neck. This wasn’t a sexual act to Louis and I. A sexual act simply involves two dicks. It was a matter of seconds before our lips were tangled together, with Louis being dominate one, backing me up against the counter. Louis has never hurt me, or has he ever wanted to. Louis tends to take his frustrations out in a interesting way. Whether it’s through sex or a lot of yelling. Louis knows my boundaries very well, and he still has yet to cross them.

“Louis, the sandwich,” I point out as smoke wandered into my sent. The sandwich was smoking up a forest fire. Moments later the fire alarm busted off. Sending Louis straight off of me. 

“Oh fuck,” Louis cursed. He sprinted to turn off the system before water would begin to rain down on the kitchen. 

I coughed as I dealt with the burnt sandwich. I did a beeline for a garbage, dropping it off if the spatula. 

“All good!” I shout to Louis, where he is. 

“All good!” I hear his response. Louis’ body comes flying down the stairs moments later. I give Louis a evil glare as I remake our lunch. 

“What was that for?” Louis asks while slithering his arm around my waist. 

“Next time, if there something cooking, you should keep it in your pants or turn off the stove,” I tell Louis this like a mother who just caught their children burning something. Which is rather similar to this situation. 

“Oh, Harry, you enjoyed it though. Correct?” Louis questioned with a hint of sass in his voice. 

“The kissing wasn't too shabby. The burning grilled sandwich didn't really make it that much better though,” I explained to Louis. Knowing Louis, he may have thought that the  
burning and thick smoke could of turned something on in me. 

Yes, my house burning down is so sexy. 

Louis and I don't do anything, like usual. The rest of the day is full of boring t.v shows and annoying commercials. 

“Harry, your phone. It's Niall,” Louis says passing me my iphone, which is currently vibrating. I untangle myself from Louis, to walk into the kitchen and press the green button,”

“Have you left the house at all?” Niall blared before I could get out my greeting.

“Hello, Niall,” I get out, right before Niall begins yelling in his accent again.

“Mate, you and Louis got to do something. What have you do done in the last little bit? Watched Grey's anatomy and butt sex?” Niall says, rather bluntly. 

“Well we burnt some food and watched modern family,” I say in legitimate tone. 

“Dude, what the hell. I'm in London and we should go clubbing tomorrow. Bring Louis and get drunk with him. I’ll invite Liam too!” Niall rambles on. 

“Maybe, I will text you later. It was nice talking to you,” I said, ending the conversation. Niall says something in return, but I really didn't pay much attention to that. 

“Is everything good, babe?” Louis yells from the living room. 

I trot back over to Louis. “Yeah, Niall just wants us to go out with him tomorrow,” I state.

Louis almost rolls his eyes. “Clubbing?” He asks. 

“Clubbing,”

“Oh lovely,” Louis moans out. “I wouldn't mind going, but we wouldn't be able to be near each other.”

“Yeah, maybe we could figure something out,” I support Louis and pat his knee. Louis proceeds to curl up to me, burying his face into my shoulders. I rub his shoulders, over and over again. I almost wish that Louis would fall asleep, and let all pain be temporarily wiped away and just let him rest. Louis begins to doze off. His little huffs and puffs turn into snorts and wheezes. I pick Louis up, very carefully. Louis is a very lanky boy, who is as delicate as a child. Louis went through a phase when he wouldn’t eat. He wasn’t diagnosed with a eating disorder or something. Louis just had no motivation to do anything, he just slept to much, drank and cuddled with me. That was during early 2015, or what I like to call it, probably Louis’ worst stage. 

Louis sleeps, sleeps, and sleeps. His hair flops down on the bed, as Louis tosses and turns during his nap. I wait patiently for Louis’ blue eyes to pop open again. 

 

STAGE 4: DOING SHIT THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY

I feel free.  
Like a bird, soaring in the cool air. 

I feel happiness.  
Like a mother's first child. 

I feel pinches over my body.  
Like a ten year old being bullied. 

I feel aches and pains.  
Like an old man’s back. 

I feel stab wounds, covering my body.  
Like a serial killer that got a hold of you. 

I feel relief.  
Like a deep, deep sleep. 

I feel satisfied.  
Like a dead fish washed up on shore. 

Yours sincerely, Louis. 

Louis and I decided to go out with the lads tonight. We will just have to put on our best Hannah Montana performance and keep our hella queer selves to a minimum. 

“What if someone crawls over you? That tends to happen a lot whenever you go out,” I ask Louis. Louis and his bisexual self isn't really afraid to hope in a female's car. His preference is clearly men, but he usually has a clueless bodyguard on his tail telling Louis ‘get some’. 

Before I hear your question, no Louis has never cheated on me. Hoping in a single woman's car does not mean his dick is going to be out. Jeez. 

“I will do what I usually do. Avoid them, then when they come back like a lost puppy, I will give them away to a friend who apparently has a “huge cock,” but is really the size of a french fry,” Louis explains to me. His face looks like Sheldon Cooper after explaining his some brilliant, scientific skyme. 

“You really have this covered don't you?” I was impressed. Louis usually goes along with whatever people tell him to do or whatever people want him to do. I enjoy this Louis. The Louis that doesn’t stand for being fucked around with or plays by the rules. 

Louis flopped on the bed. “Thank you for noticing,” Louis smiled. 

Screams come from the floor below us. “Um, we should get back down there,” I point out. Louis and I walk down stairs to find Niall and Liam in the exact same position we left them in. 

“Please explain to Liam how using great techniques and strategies is not cheating,” Niall yells. Liam stands up, flips Niall off, then walks into the kitchen. 

“Welcome, lads. I’m glad you are making yourself at home!” Louis shouts so both the boys could hear him. 

Louis and I sit on the couch, a few seats away from Niall. “So Niall, are you still a lonely virgin?” I ask Niall with a devilish smirk spreading across my face. 

Niall glares back at me, with Louis’ laugh in the background noise of this eye to eye showdown. “I am not lonely, nor am I a virgin,” Niall defends himself. 

“Niall, mate. One night stands usually don’t count,” Louis points out. 

Niall looks confused. “What do you mean they don’t count! I still put my-,” 

“That’s enough,” Father Payne says stepping in the doorway with a can of coke, completely cutting off Niall. 

The rest of the day was wonderful. It was like we were kids again, running through arena venues and playing pranks on the staff and security. 

Nerf gun wars, play(most of the time) wrestling, being able to walk around, the lack of paparazzi's, Niall injuring himself, over and over again. We would of laughed thinking that it got any better then. Of course, our career took off like a rocket. Sadly, our mental health took a downfall like a meteorite. 

It isn't like the five of us didn't like our job, but we got overwhelmed and then the five became a four. We grew closer after the departure. We were all rather distant from each other like little separate islands of unhappy emotions. We have now grown into a little landmass, with some little lakes in between. 

“Mate, I know you all are in a bit of a down since you left her. This will be fun, get drunk, take someone home, try not to be an ass though,” Niall supports Liam as we drive through the city to the club. 

Liam has been through a tough break up, with who he thought was the love of his life. Liam hasn't gotten out much more then Harry and I. Niall is the sore thumb who golf four times a week and does other lame ass things for the other three. 

“How do you do that? Just see a girl and take her back to your flat and bang, where is the romantic?” Liam tried to comprehend this interesting view of sex. 

“Liam, there is as much romance in a one night stand as there is in my pinky toe,” Louis points out. 

I giggle at Louis. Louis. Louis. Louis. My happy Louis. 

“That is fucking dumb,” Liam shouted. He looked like a father yelling at his daughter for wearing fishnets. 

“Liam, calm down. We aren't forcing you into any unwanted sexual activity,” I tell Liam from the driver seat. 

“Thank you, Harry,” Liam thanked me. 

“I would respect your opinion either way!” Niall cheers and elbows Liam, then finishing it off with a cheeky wink

The rest of the drive was Louis groaning at gross music the radio speaks out and Niall and Liam yelling and sex or something. I wasn’t really paying attention as I was looking at the road, after all I am an excellent driver. 

We made our way into the club quickly. We weren’t stopped by fans or paparazzi's, as we already had bodyguards waiting there for us. 

“Just make sure nobody has their phones out or something if you want to do something okay?” I remind my boyfriend. Louis nods and then the two of us follow the other lads to the bar. 

Minutes later all of us have drinks in our hand. Some dumb song was playing the electronic beats were bursting my eardrums and my brain cells. Niall was the only one who was stopped by any females in the club. I honestly didn’t think he really cared. As he was now all over the tall brunette with the white dress on. 

Harry and I sat alone a few hours later, as the other boys are more occupied. We did our share on dancing to the bass drop and talking to some people who were interested in us. Either sexually or they are clearly big fans. 

“We are both a little tipsy and we are both bored,” Louis started. “Should we do something? Walk, go to a restaurant, go home?” Louis suggested. 

“Are you sure you are just tipsy? Louis, love. We can’t go anywhere remember. Not together,” I stated. 

“Fuck,” Louis cursed looking at his phone. Louis rolled his head, in frustration. “I keep getting texts from management to keep my hands off of you. Jesus fucking christ, Harry. It has been four years since we got put under love probation.” 

“I know, I know, Louis,” I looked around for open phones and eyes staring at us. All clear. I rubbed Louis’ arm, with support. “I know this is dumb, but we’ve been doing it for so long. We are worth it, okay? I knew we were from the minute I fell in love with you when we sat together on the staircase and the times I had to hold back everything in me to not touch you, and every fucking time we had to lock up our love for a while. At the end, I still know I get to come home to see that lovely face of yours. It’s all worth it,” I feel like I just ripped my heart out of my chest and handed it to him, still all bloody and gross. Our Love is like that. Our entire heart devoted for each other, but nothing is clean or healed. We are just a bandaged bloody heart that still needs to be operated on, yet is still pumps strongly. Keeping us living on and on and on. 

“Thank you, Harry,” Louis said then we sat in silence almost. We watched drunk Liam almost get kicked out of bar and we continued to search for Niall who we have yet to find. 

“His drunk ass probably got himself in a ditch or some girls bed,” I said, getting a laugh out of Louis. 

“Both scenarios are very possible,” Louis points out. Liam is yelling at some body guard and a big, very tough looking like bouncer that could crush Liam like a fly and a fly swatter. Liam is a muscly guy to start out with so, just picture this.

“What the hell, Liam,” I groan. Louis and I stand up to help the poor bastard out but Liam is already being dragged out of the building. 

You know what is out there? Rude, filthy paps and angry, meat eating fans who aren’t even fans. They just want a cool picture of Harry Styles. It is lovely to have that amount of value isn’t it? A picture is worth more than a hug or a hello. 

By the time Louis and I are out of the building, we regret everything immediately. Flashing lights blind me as I chase Liam and the bodyguard. Our bodyguards were left in the club. Good job boys. 

Screaming and question yell at me. I look for Louis behind me. 

Louis is in tears. 

“What happened to the baby? Louis! Who is the sexiest Victoria Secret model? Louis! How is the bitch you slept with?” All questioned being screamed at my trembling boyfriend. All questions that make his weaken and break in ways that Louis cannot control. 

Fuck this shit. 

I run back to him, and grab his hand. Then we run. Louis doesn’t deserve this. Nobody deserves this. We are not fucking animals locked up in a zoo. We are people. Respect is expected. 

I hold Louis to to me tightly, and climb into the car. He breaks down as soon as the door is shut. Louis is panting. 

“Fuck this. Fuck all of this. Fuck everything,” He starts to chant. I hold him close as he weeps. 

I hold him as he cries. 

cries of nothing but pain. 

STAGE 5:SEX IS THE BEST THERAPY 

Nothing is fucking okay anymore.  
why do I constantly feel like I have a brick on my shoulder?  
Why am I not allowed to be happy?

Thank god I have him.  
The one thing that makes me forget.  
I forget all the shit. 

My home isn’t a house.  
It does not have four walls and a roof.  
His name is Harry.  
And he has a heartbeat and a soul. 

Yours sincerely, Louis. 

Two hours later Louis and I laying on the couch, together. Tangled in a sobbing, drunk mess. The news was on our flat screen television. 

Larry Stylinson is back?

Read the head title. Videos and pictures of Louis and I rushing out of the club has been all over the media for the past few hours. On twitter, a majority of our fans have all of their support with us. Louis and I are pretty grateful for that. 

“Harry?” Louis asks, looking up to me from his position on my lap. “What if one of us was a girl? Like, this relationship was heterosexual. Do you think they would be making such a big deal?”

“Well, we definitely wouldn’t of had to of been on what you called love probation. There wouldn’t be any closet. We could hold hands in public. We could simply show affection to one another without it being some sin cursed upon us,” I explain. 

Louis tilts his head back, cursing some more. “We just aren’t normal,” Louis signs. “We aren’t normal.”

“We are normal, Louis, We are just this part that hasn’t been completely unraveled yet. That’s all,” I try my best to make Louis happier. Then it hits me. “We probably have better sex anyways.” 

“Fuck yes we do,” Louis stands up and looks so proud all of a sudden to be in a male x male relationship. 

______________________________________

I fall back onto the bed, completely naked. Louis crawls on top on me, with just his boxer briefs on. Louis crawls up over my hips, straddling me. I rip Louis’ tiny hips as he leans down to kiss me with passion. Louis’ lips float down my body. My neck, my collarbone and over my chest. Louis runs his hand over my many tattoos, admiring them. He finishes everything off with one last small kiss on my lips. 

“Can I touch you, Harry?” Louis says. His hands wander down my stomach, traveling to my lower region.

I nod eagerly. Louis then wraps his hand around the base of my member, and begins stroking. Louis always sends me to new levels even when I thought I reached them all. My breathing becomes uneasy as I harden under Louis’ touch. Cuss words flow out of my mouth as natural as blinking. 

Louis moves down my legs, so he can now lower his head to my dick. His tongue explores up and down my length. I shiver at Louis’ actions. He continues this, teasing me. Louis licks in little circles around my tip. I move underneath Louis, signalling to Louis that I wanted more. 

He got the hint and lowered his mouth onto me. My hands flew up into Louis’ hair, just the way he likes it. I moan out his name, repeatedly. Louis adds his hands in the masterpiece, and strokes what his mouth can’t reach. 

“Lou, Fuck. Keep going,” I pant out. Louis never fails to satisfy my sexual needs and I. Louis takes his mouth off me, but continues to pump my shaft. Louis alternates between his hands, mouth and both until I reach my climax. 

I find it rather attractive when Louis swallows, I am not going to lie. 

I sit up and peel off Louis’ undergarments. “Let me take care of you now, Lou,” I whisper into Louis’ ear. I push Louis onto his back, with his cock now exposed. I go to the side table, on Louis’ side of the bed. I see Louis’ smile as I dig through the drawer for a condom and lube. I was able to find the small condom packet and bottle of lube. 

“Sit there pretty for me, Louis,” I say kissing his cheek and straddling his knees, with my ass facing his face. I squeeze the lube onto my fingers, and apply it over my small hole, giving Louis a show. As I apply the substance, I feel Louis’ cold hands touch my bare ass, massaging it almost. 

“You’re so pretty Haz,” Louis tells me as I turn around to face him. I sit right in front of his member, stroking it a few times before opening the condom and rolling it down Louis’ length.

“You going to ride me, baby?” Louis asks as I straddle Louis’ dick. At first I only lower myself just enough to cover Louis’ tip, then I bob back up, slowly. Louis looks agitated. “Just do it, Harry,” Louis pleads. 

I listen to him, and sink down his cock. Louis groans and moan, making music to my ears. It takes me a few minutes before I am legitimately riding Louis. I bounce on Louis, propping myself up on his chest. Louis’ hands grip my hips as I continue to grind down onto Louis. The pace of my movements speed up as I go. 

“Jesus Christ, Harry. Don’t stop,” Louis has himself held up by his two elbows. His head is rolled back from the pressure, with his mouth wide open moaning and panting curses and pleads. 

His moans grow louder. This means Louis is close, as am I. The pit in my stomach burns and burns this pleasure that I crave. 

I cum all over Louis, while Louis unloads his gun in the condom. I slip out of my position. Louis goes to the bathroom, most likely to take off the condom and to wash up. 

Louis comes back to bed and flops up beside me. He looks over to me. “Hazza?” 

“Yes, Louis?” I respond. 

Louis hovers above me, putting each hands on each side on my body. He leans down and kisses me with passion. The kiss is long, but not like making out. “Thank you,” He pecks my lips once more. “I love you.”

STAGE 6: OF COURSE YOU AREN’T OKAY. LOOK AT YOURSELF

Nothing works out for people like us.  
We are followed like criminals.  
We get screamed at like  
a disobedient child.  
We are treated as if we are less the human. 

We power through the hateful comments.  
Sometimes the power weakens.  
We are left, hanging by strings, holding onto sanity.  
If we don't hold on, we will lose it all. 

Love, Harry and Louis. 

 

Louis and I woke up too many miss calls and unread text messages. 

Louis is awake before me and he looks extremely stressed and tired mixed together. 

“You okay?” I ask him. Louis looks over to me. His eyes were red and puffy from the tears that were early there. 

“Yeah, I think. Niall and Liam may be hungover but they are taking care of management. Everyone seems fairly supportive. Some people are still in denial almost, they still are here for us though,” Louis explained to me with a small smile on my face. 

“So, Liam and Niall have it covered?” I asked Louis, getting up to sit next to him. Louis nodded. I grabbed Louis’ thigh. “Everything will be okay. I am going to shower,” I said to Louis and walked into our bedroom en-suite. 

I walk into the bathroom and let the cold tiles freeze my feet. I looked in the mirror, staring back at my reflection. My morning eyes were atrocious, with purple and blue undertones. My hair was in a curly mess, from last night with Louis, and my sleep. 

The shower was colder than usual. The cool water chilled my bones and formed goosebumps all over my skin. The numb sensation relaxed me. In the shower, I would think deep into the ocean of thoughts, swimming deeper looking for more answers. Usually I am looking deeper into Louis and the state he is in. 

He could be better, but he isn't at his worst stage. 

I go over various scenarios of Louis and I in my head. That is usually how it goes. Me over thinking that Louis is worse than he is or something will happen in the next little bit between us. 

I get lost in my thoughts and forget how low the temperature of the water is. My skin and bones will be slowing cooling to make ice if I stay in the shower for any longer. Walking out of the shower was terrible. The sudden change of environment made my skin freeze. Not like the reliving shower, but more like an uncomfortable feeling as I travel through the arctic without any clothes on. 

I pulled some Usain Bolt magic as I quickly put on my clothes. I shivered as I walked out of the bathroom. I threw a warm, packers sweater over my t-shirt. 

Louis has abandoned the bedroom. He left is silver laptop wide open on the bed, which was a little bit interesting. I walk over to the open laptop and flopped beside the computer. 

The computer browser was open to a Twitter page. It was open to tweets, hundreds of tweets. They all had nasty comments against Louis and I. I went over to Louis’ thousands of direct messages. 

Some lovely, beautiful messages were sent with care. Sadly, Louis followed a majority of people who has thoughts against our relationship. These messages were filthy, ugly messages that beat down on what fans call “Larry”. I slam the computer shut. 

I couldn't tell where Louis ran off too, but he wasn't anywhere that he usually would be. 

I screamed for him. My wet hair dripped onto the floor as a walked around the house, looking for my boyfriend. I called numerous times after that. Louis eventually emerged from the shadows. Or the garage, same thing. 

“Louis, what the hell–,” I was cut off by Louis basically jumping into my arms. His little head was resting against my shoulder.

“Why do people dislike us? Why?” Louis sniffs into my shoulder. 

“They don't have to like us, Lou,” I tell Louis, rubbing his back. “It is just us, we are all that matters. Take a break from twitter and social stuff okay? Let's focus on us.”

“Just us,” Louis mumbled. 

Louis and I were back to our usual routine of watching American sitcoms and dumb spliffs. Louis was cuddled into my side, with his legs thrown over me. The pads of his little fingers were pressed to my chest, drawing little circles and other figures. I could feel his breathing calm down from the rapid lung movements he was achieving earlier. 

“Louis?” I look down to him. Louis looked up to me with his big eyes. Louis has been keeping quiet. Whether it's the stress, exhaustion or his brain eating away at him. “How are you?” I feel as if that was an appropriate question to ask Louis. He could be taking this all sorts of ways. Whatever is floating in his head, I just want to make sure he is okay. 

“I'm fine, Harry. Better than I thought,” Louis’ weak voice gave away the fact that he was lying straight away. Louis signed and returned his face into my chest. 

“It's okay. It's okay to tell me that you aren't fine. I am here for you Louis,” I said. My comforting words brought a small smile onto his face.

“I know, Haz. I know I can tell you anything,” Louis responds. Louis plays with my hand that isn't wrapped around him. Tangling and untangling our fingers together. He would stare at what he was doing like focused eyes, like he was doing a test back at school. 

 

“I’m not falling into the act, Lou. What's up?” I question him. Louis scoffs a little bit. 

“I don't know,” he starts and looks back up to me. “I'm not happy, fine or okay. I'm not sad, depressed or angry. I'm some emotionless piece of meat floating in outer space.”

“Love. You feel Love, Lou,” I remind him. I bend down and kiss his forehead, which makes the small smile appear again. 

“I guess I'm not completely emotionless then. You are the only one strapping me down though,” This makes me smile. 

Louis leaned up and kissed along my jawline, causing vibrations to run down my spine.  
Everything will be okay, Louis. 

~  
Can't you see Harry?  
I am being eaten alive.  
Eaten by my own mind.  
This mind of mine has destroyed me.  
Telling me that I am worthless.  
Then I would believe them.  
You say that everything will be okay.  
Nothing is going to get any better though.  
The cameras are still there.  
We are still being chased.  
Our love will never be accepted.  
We are locked up.  
Don't you realize that we will never escape.  
We are in too far.  
We can't escape. 

Yours sincerely, Louis.  
~

“Food,” Louis whispers to me from behind me.

“Lou, I am literally in the midth of making us food. Chill,” I remind him, holding up the large spoon to show him proof. 

“Step on it, Haz,” Louis told me. 

“I can't step on anything. You doorknob,” I say looking back around to cuddly, soft looking Louis. Louis was wearing a sweater twice his size. His small self looked extra small in this attire. 

Louis started jumping around the kitchen looking very fragile. He took his little sweater paws and smacked them to his face. I stared at him as he did this. I swear he nearly suffocated under his own two hands. Louis removed them. His eyes were red. It looks like Louis is almost about to break down and cry again. 

“Lou, babe. Come here,” I said bringing him into my arms. He was very soft and unstable in my arms. I was his support, basically. “Louis, Louis, Louis. You're safe. You're okay. Just listen to my heartbeat,” I said. Louis was shaking underneath of my touch. He was bawling. Absolutely bawling. 

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry,” Louis started, gasping for air to fill up his lungs. “I know I am just a fuck up. Everyone tells me I am. I know I am. I'm sorry you are in love with a fuck–,”

I kiss him. “I love you so much. You aren't a fuck up. You're perfect. Don't listen to them,” I beg Louis. 

Louis breaks in my arms. His knees grow weak and I am now holding him closer so he doesn't fall. “I wish I could believe in you, Haz. Sadly, one person's opinion doesn't mean much when the rest of the planet as a different one.” 

STAGE 7: GIVING UP

Louis, why are you so blind?  
Harry is the only one who gives a shit.  
Harry will get over it.  
Everyone will eventually get over it.

Why don't you do it?  
It's the easiest way out.  
Want to solve all of your problems?  
Shoot yourself.

Is it the fans?  
The fans will be fine without you.  
Your voice sucks anyways.  
The band will continue.  
Nobody really likes you anyways. 

The easy way out is the best way out, Louis.

From, Louis’ mind.  
~

I wake up from a power nap that I didn't realize I was taking. The right of my body seems empty, and naked. Louis isn't curled up to my right side anymore. Lou obviously didn't fall asleep, as I did. 

I walk over to the kitchen where I assume Louis would be. He wasn't there though. 

“Lou!” I called for him and waited for his response. This happens too often. Louis going MIA and making all of my muscles go tense. 

I walk over to the fridge. A yellow sticky note has been stuck onto the fridge. 

Dear Harry, 

I went out to see my mom, as she is in town. 

Yours sincerely, Louis

One part of me thought that this was a lie. Part of me was so happy for Louis. Another part of me wanted to text Johanna to make sure Louis was okay. The other part said that he needed to be left alone. 

I grabbed my phone and typed in my boyfriends, mothers, number. I pressed my phone to my ear. 

“Hey Harry! What can I do for you,” Johanna’s happy voice came over on the other end. 

“Hi, love. Is Louis with you?” I asked her. The other end went silent. 

“Louis said he was going out with you today, that is why he told me not to bother visiting,” Johanna stated. Fuck. Louis isn't home, he could be anywhere. Cheating on me. Day drinking. Seeing his friends that have a terrible influence on him. Hurting himself even more. “You go look for him, I’ll try calling him,” she said before hanging up. 

I put on my grey coat and boots and I am out the door faster than I thought possible. I text the boys everything, using the built in siri in my vehicle. They are going to look for him, just like me. 

The first place I check is a small bar, where he used to be a regular at. In 2014, during Louis’ day drinking phase, I would find him here on the daily. 

“Harry?” The bartender asked me as I walked into the bar. He clearly remembers me. I nod and walk over to him. “Are you looking for Louis?” He asked me. 

“Yeah, he sort of escaped when I was asleep,” I said, popping the p. The bartender sort of rolls his eyes.  
H  
“He just ran out of the back door. Probably because he saw your car,” the bartender tells me. 

“Shit,” I curse. I run out of the bar. I don't notice much at first. I look around for Louis’ black SUV, blocking the sun out of my eyes with my hand. 

I didn't hear much, I didn't really see much either. Something was really, really wrong. I knew that much. 

Then I heard the sirens. 

STAGE 8; DO YOU SEE THE PAIN YOU ARE PUTTING HIM THROUGH?

Buzzing.  
Buzzing is all that I hear.  
It fills up my senses like gases in the atmosphere.  
I can’t tell what this means. 

Am I dying?  
Am I already dead?  
Are my organs failing?  
Is this how everything will end?

Part of me hopes that this is it.  
The other part wishes I can grab Harry’s hand.  
So he can pull me out of this pain that I must be feeling. 

I must be feeling pain right?  
I was hit by a fucking pick-up truck.  
I must be feeling a lot of pain.  
I am not aware of the pain. 

Maybe it is from the impact.  
It could be from the confusion  
My thoughts might over power the pain.  
I might just be used to the pain.  
I am used to it. 

Yours sincerely, Louis,

The first thing I see is the flashing lights. My eyes adjust to everything a few moments later. These moments later I am able to see a bright red ford pickup, collided with the drivers side of my boyfriends car. What the fuck just happened. Louis ran away in fear. He ran away because I knew that something was up. He ran away but got stuck in his tracks, finishing the race a little bit earlier then planned. He will finish it though. Louis will jump over this obstacle like I know he could. He will power through this pain, trauma and I guess a fucking truck now too, that stop him from the finish line. I know that obviously, nobody can recover from this live a scrap on you knee after falling on the playground. Louis is a touch mother fucker, who never fails to fight. He might of thought that this is what he wanted, but I know my Louis more than I know anyone and he does not want this.

He cannot want this.

I run over to the accident. I run straight towards Louis’ black vehicle. I am being shoved back by police officers and paramedics.

“Sir, I ask you to please stand back from the collision,” They scream at me but I shove their comments off to the side so I can get closer to my boyfriend. 

I see the man in the red ford come on a stretcher right before my eyes. He is covered in wounds and fatal injuries. Paramedics nod to each other, signalling that he alive. 

I scan my eyes over to Lou’ SUV. I can’t see him, but I can see paramedics everywhere, hovering overtop of him. I try to get to the passenger door, where everyone is crowding around. 

“Sir! I need you to stay back,” I get screamed at again. I shake my head and keep walking through. I hear people mumbling about Louis. 

“Isn’t this one of the boys from one direction?” “My daughter loves them,” “Would he give me an autograph once he is back to health?” 

You fucking assholes of a doctor. Save the love of my life. He is more than just a piece of paper with a signature on it. 

I feel hands wrap around me. “Excuse me, we need you to back,” 

 

“That is my boyfriend! I am not just going to back away!” I screamed in the police officer’s face. He obviously knows who I am, and who Louis is. Wow, more people knowing that I’m a piece of gay mean. Lovely. 

Then I see him. I don’t know what I see, but my feet started chasing after the stretcher before I comprehend anything. Louis was being lifted in the ambulance, I was being stopped by police officers and paramedics to stay away but all I did was climb inside of the ambulance, 

When Louis’ stretcher set foot in the ambulance it felt like the whole world was spinning faster than usual. I laid my eyes on his face, first. Then I started ti sob like a child left on the first day of school. I was bawling, I wasn’t crying. All the sadness, hatred and disgust that was ever trapped in my body was now making it’s way out through tears. 

His face was red, blue and purple. Paramedics were yelling at me, but I could understand a word they said. All I could understand right now is that we need my boyfriend to a hospital asap and that I am an emotional mess. His eyes were not closed, they were swollen shut and all purple colours.

His heart is beating, and at this point, that is the most important thing to me. 

“You’re Harry? Correct?” A paramedic, not working on Louis asks me. 

I nod.

“We found a letter addressed to you. It was in the vehicle, it seemed rather important,” She handed me the letter. 

The letter was wrapped in a white envelope. The words,’To Harry’ Was written in Louis’ scratchy writing. Around my name was some of the tattoos that Louis and I have to match. The ‘oops’ to match my ‘hi’. The dagger to match my rose. The pirate ship to match my compass. Louis couldn’t get them to look identical to the tattoos on our skin, but he definitely got the message across. 

Tears fell from my eyes and onto the envelope.

STAGE 9: YOU HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE

Pain.  
Pain is flowing through my veins like a tidal wave.  
A tidal wave of pain.  
This is the pain, that I always wanted.  
The pain of every breath, possibly being your last.  
This is the pain that was always on top of my Christmas list.

This pain is not what I expected.  
This pain was meant to be happy.  
This pain was supposed to make me feel better.  
This pain is just full of regret.  
I hate this pain. I hate this pain.  
I want to be free of pain. 

I am tired of all this fucking pain.  
Even when I am dying, I am in pain.  
I just want to be free of pain.  
I don’t know what way to take myself.  
What is worse?  
The pain of living?  
Or the pain you are putting everyone else through.  
I’m not selfish.  
I am also not selfless.  
I am Louis and I want to be free of pain.  
~Yours sincerely, Louis,

~

I am not allowed in Louis’ room right now. Family only, I guess. Johanna is in there with Louis constantly. She comes out and tells me what’s up and how he is doing. The boys come in and out all the time too. Family of Louis’, some fans who somehow found out Louis’ hospital. It is quiet here. Without Louis, it always tend to be a little quieter. 

Louis has been in a coma for five days now. He is living off of support to keep his heart beating. I have only been home once in these days. Johanna made me do something more then just sit on the visiting room love seat and eat more than peanuts and carrots.

My home just reminds me of Louis, my basically dead boyfriend. I hate those words. 

My beautiful boyfriend that is hanging on my a string. I don’t know if he is angry that he is being kept alive, or maybe he is fighting to get through it. If Louis woke up, he wouldn’t be the same. He has extreme brain injury that is going to leave him hanging. 

Today Johanna came out to me, crying. “The doctors told me he is as alive as a dead squirrel on the street,” Johanna stated then started crying.The two of us hadn’t had a great from the tears, not since the accident. Everyone was crying at some point. Even Liam and Niall, who barely ever cry. I haven’t been sleeping either. It is hard to sleep now. It is next to impossible to close your eyes and not see a red, ford pick-up truck slamming into my boyfriend's side.  
~

Louis has been slowly getting better. It has been two weeks now. I saw Louis for the first time last night. 

It was a mess. 

Louis eyes are no longer swollen shut. I just tell myself that he is going through a deep sleep. He is having a nap that is lasting longer than planned and he will wake up soon. He is going through a really, really good dream with him and I living happily and freely. I grabbed his hand. His hand was cold, like the rest of his body. Kissing his forehead felt like an ice cube was being pressed to your lips. I stared at his lips. Staring was an understatement. I fucking killed them with my glare. 

I miss his lips. I miss him. I miss him so fucking much. 

His hair was dry and nearly crispy. I still ran my fingers through it. Johanna rubbed my back as I cried over my boyfriend. I held his hand tightly and I wouldn’t loosen my grasp. I sat beside him in this position for hours. I began humming songs to him. Our songs. Not necessarily the band's songs, but songs that mean so much to Harry and I. Our songs. 

If I could fly  
I'd be coming right back home to you  
I think I might give up everything  
Just ask me to  
Pay attention  
I hope that you listen 'cause I let my guard down  
Right now I'm completely defenseless

For your eyes only  
I'll show you my heart  
For when you're lonely and forget who you are  
I'm missing half of me when we're apart  
Now you know me  
For your eyes only

~

I’m at home again. I don’t like home anymore. I just get memories of Louis. I only like home when I know Louis is safe. Johanna told me that she would tell me that she would call me if anything happened. Good or bad. I opened my phone and explored through twitter. From me screaming about my boyfriend at the accident, everyone knows that are code is cracked. Nobody really cares through, which I found surprising. Everything was to support Louis on his journey home. If he makes it back home.

Shut up, Harry. 

He is coming home soon. 

The support that everyone has almost brings a smile to my face. Almost. I have a small grin on my face as the tears continue to streak down my face.

Then I remember the letter that I got from the paramedics. The letter from Louis. I knew exactly what this letter was. I dreaded this letter. I had nightmare about this letter. I cried because I thought something else was this letter. 

This was Louis’ suicide note.  
~

Dear Harry, my one and only. 

So this is pretty fucking weird right? I never thought we would be saying this to each other.  
I remember everything about how I fell so fucking hard for you. I remember how we our little bathroom bump that allowed us to hit it off immediately. I remember the stairs. Do you remember the stairs? The stairs that I began to love you on. Here we are five years later and still in love.  
I hate to be a sap, but I’m going to miss you so fucking much. I am doing this for my own good, but the only reason I didn't do this before hand was because of your help, Harry. You saved me, so many times. This is my decision, so please don't think is something you could of helped me from doing. It was going to happen at some point.  
Okay, tell my mates, Liam and Niall that this is not the end of the band. The three if you can make music, still. I believe in you. You dealt with someone leaving once and you can probably do it again. I will ghost around and make you write music still. Do it for the fans Hazza, the fans. I know that is pretty hypocritical because I am the one who is about to die. My voice means very little to the band, don't worry about that.  
I want you to move on too, Harry. I know this is a very common thing to say but it's true. We may be each other's soulmates, but I have all the faith that you can find somebody who loves you like me. You deserve to be loved by everyone, Harry.  
I want to say I am sorry. I honestly do. You always used to tell me that I was supposed to be happy. I think this is the best place for me to find happiness, Harry. You always used to tell me to do what makes you happiest in the world. I am happy now, Harry. I really am.  
This is going to be such a big impact on your life. I know that. Don't keep you head down, love. Hold it high. You are Harry fucking Styles. I cannot wait to see what you do with yourself. You are going to be amazing, Harry.  
So amazing.  
I hope you find happiness in something Harry. You deserve to have all the happiness in the world served to you on a platter. I will be watching you kick ass, my love.  
I am going to miss you, every single dead part of me will.  
I will always be with you, Harry.  
Always. 

Yours sincerely, Louis

Tears slipped out my eyes. one by one, slowly dripping on my lips and stinging the cuts I left there. These few tears turned into a waterfall. My Louis is back at the hospital, nearly lifeless. My Louis thinks he may deserve this. Oh, he is so wrong. He is the fucking star that lights up any night sky. Louis is the tissue from anyone’s tears. Louis is a lifesaver to loads of people across the globe, who will never stop looking up to him. We took over the world together, and I will not let him go easily. 

I get pulled out of the thought when my phone rang. I didn’t check to see who it was. I just picked up the phone.

“Hello,” I greet the person on the other side. 

“Louis,” Says a crying voice on the other end of the phone. My heart starts to speed up. “Is awake.”

STAGE 10: YOU SURVIVE

I broke at least five laws on the way to the hospital. I didn’t care either. When your boyfriend is awake after two weeks without seeing his beautiful blue eyes. Rules don’t exactly apply to you. 

The first person I saw when I entered the hospital was Niall. He was crying. I didn’t have time to comprehend anything but his arms were wrapped around me. 

“I was there when he woke up. He just started yelling for you. He is calmed down now. I think you have a visit to make,” Niall told me. I took off like a rocket to Louis’ room. 

I was hesitant at first. I knocked on the door and pushed it open slowly. I saw Johanna first. She was holding Louis’ hand. I could tell from his tattooed wrists. Then I saw him. His eyes were so tired. He looked like he hasn’t slept in three years. He looked happy. He was laughing with his mother about something that I wasn;t paying attention too. I was only paying attention to the beautiful smile that laid across his face. 

Louis, my Louis. Holy shit, did I ever miss you. 

“Harry?” His voice asked for me. It was weak and cracky. I swung the door open and rn to his bedside. Louis kept mumbling my name. I broke down. I cried. I cried over his breathing body.. I held his hand and laid my head on his lap. Louis was crying too now, not as much as me though. His hands played with my dirty, unwashed hair. “I’m here, Harry. I’m okay now. I’m all better,” He told me. I smiled through the tears as he said those words to me. I took my head off of Louis and sat on the chair beside his bed. He just stared at me. I stared back.

“I missed you so much,” He told me. I didn’t waste another second to have his lips pressed to mine. I large hands covered his small cheeks. We took our lips away from each other. 

“I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you,” I mumbled to him. Louis smiled and looked down to his lap. 

“I’m sorry, love,” He apologized. 

I shook my head and kissed him again. 

You have conquered the bad part in your brain, Louis.  
You made it.  
You’re alive now.  
\You can stop fighting now.  
You won the war.  
Live your life, Louis.  
Go kick ass. 

From, Louis’ head.

~

Louis came home a week afterwards. Home felt like home again, now with Louis back where he belongs. Everyone on social media was supportive now. We had very little hate comments, everybody was used to the love. 

Coming out was a mistake. It was the best thing that has ever happened to Louis and I. Niall and Liam took care of everything. We have new management who don’t care about our relationship or they don’t look at it as a sin. 

Louis and I go out together now. All the time actually. We are allowed to hold hands and show affection on the streets like any other couple. We can’t wait to get back on stage. Now we can actually interact on stage and not just check each other out from the distance. That is going to be really nice. We are going to be able to put arms around each other interviews without people questioning shit.

In case you were wondering, Louis and I are happy. I am happy. Louis is happy. We are free at last. Free from pain we thought was permanent. Now we live happily. We write music together and with Niall and Liam too. 

Louis survived. I survived. We remain alive. We are alive.


End file.
